Ok, so we all know kids push the limits to test how far they can go. I just had not yet been faced with the 6 year old lying phase ... *sigh* ... We have firmly planted foot in it.
Owen seemingly thinks he would never be able to survive making a mistake or error, no matter how big or small. He's always been this way. Now he's old enough to have come up with a way to avoid (or so he thinks) others seeing those mistakes: lying.
He broke a new trinket of Ty's after playing with it for a while and being reminded to be gentle with it, pretended he "found it like that" and denied, screamed bloody murder when I asked him to go apologize to his brother. He finally went to his brother and I asked him if he broke the news and apologized, he said yes but I knew his face was not quite matching the answer. Ty told me "Owen said the cat broke the toy!". Not only did Owen not apologize but he didn't even own up to it. I was fuming!!! I confronted him and he lost it, told me he "forgot to say he was sorry" (yet another lie ... that made 4!)
We've always told the boys that when mistakes are made, we need the truth. They might get in a little bit of trouble but that would be NOTHING compared to the act of covering up the mistake with a lie. We're not stupid and will always find out somehow.
It's really simple:
- Admitting doing something wrong right away = a little bit of crap from mom and dad
- Lying and covering up + mom and dad finding out eventually = SHIT STORM!
When he calmed down I managed to explain and repeat for the 10000000 time the math described above. He admitted having broken the toy, apologized to Ty and me for lying and told me he understood he had made a poor choice in lying to me. In his fit of fury he had drawn all over his legs with a pen he keeps next to his bed and as I noted it and was about to make a joke about it, he looked at me dead in the eyes and said "I didn't do that, I don't know when that happened". OH. MY. GOD!!!! Weren't we just talking about that??!?! I took the pen and added a line on his leg, proving to him I knew it was a lie AGAIN! He started melting down. I never raised my voice but played my Dad's card: disappointment. HOLY SHIT that's a hard one.
To me, it's always worse to disappoint someone than make them mad. Apparently, it is for Owen as well. When I told him I was disappointed to hear him lie to my face, again, after the long talk we had just had a minute ago he cried and cried and clung onto me for dear life, hugging me as we were sitting on his bed. I told him I loved him but I felt I couldn't trust him and he repeated over and over again between sobs "you can trust me mommy! Please trust me!"
That was a hard moment. I was truly disappointed. I know it's a normal stage of life but what a kick in the gut. Trying to figure out if I or Pete did something that would prompt him to be so scared of consequences that he would resort to lying. I don't feel like we are hard core, strict parents. We give the boys a ton of options, choices, trust and space to experience and make their own decisions. The consequences of those decisions are mostly natural ones and those we impose on them are never that harsh. We don't beat them, we don't scream at them, we try to be patient and communicate ... so what would push my sweet, loving, logical 6 year old to spin such crazy webs of lies?? He doesn't want to make mistakes, he doesn't want to hurt others and I hope that's the only motivator in these fables.
Hopefully it's just a phase.
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| Look at those sweet faces ... how is that possible??? |
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